Merry Christmas My Ass
by David001
Summary: What could have happened after the end of AMLC.
1. Part One

**Title: **Merry Christmas My Ass

**Author: **David

**Rating: **PG13

**Summary:** Takes place after AMLC. What might happen if Harm invited Mac over for Christmas, and she brought Webb? The angst-monster had to come out to play, again.

**Category:** Romance: M/W, H/M. Angst.

**Completed:** September 22, 2005

**Part One**

**Harm's Apartment**

2325 Local

December 24, 2003.

"Call her," Mattie said with conviction.

Harm shook his head. This was not the first time Mattie had suggested he call Mac; she had done it several times since they had returned from 'The Wall'. Mattie wanted him to invite Mac over for Christmas, but Harm knew better; Mac didn't want to see him anyway.

"She's on a date with Webb," he replied lamely.

Mattie grinned and plopped down on the couch beside him. "Tonight she is, yeah." Harm had explained to her who Webb was after Mac had left them. He left out specifics, but made it abundantly clear that Mac and Webb were dating. "But you don't know her plans for tomorrow." She grabbed the portable phone off the coffee table and dropped it in his lap. "Call her, Harm. She wants to see you. I know she does."

He snorted. "Not likely, Mats. She's been going out of her way to avoid me since I returned to JAG. She's with Webb now, and I am the last person she would want to see."

Mattie rolled her eyes like only a teenager could, and shook her head. "Yes, she does, Harm. She's just too scared to admit it." She dropped her hand onto his arm. "She wanted to stay when you asked her tonight, you know, but she's afraid."

He looked at her intently. "Afraid of what? And how do you know? Did she tell you?"

Mattie took his hand in hers. "No, she didn't tell me a thing; she didn't have to. I could tell."

"How?"

"The look in her eyes, the sound of her voice. It was all there, Harm. Don't tell me you never saw it?"

But he hadn't seen it. All he had heard was: 'I have a date with Webb', everything else hadn't registered after that. "Are you sure?" He asked, squeezing her hand. And you still haven't told me how you know she's afraid."

Mattie grinned, leaning her head against his shoulder as her arm went across his chest. "You didn't ride over with her; I don't think I have ever seen anyone more terrified in my life. I thought she was going to chew her own lips off, she was so nervous." She hugged him tightly. "Just trust me, Okay? Call her."

Harm looked down at the phone in his lap like it was a venomous snake that would bite him if he so much as twitched. He wanted to see Mac–was desperate to reconnect with her–but his heart told him she didn't want to see him.

Mattie sighed and reached for the phone. "Do you want me to do it?"

"No!" he shouted, snatching the phone from her. "I'll do it."

Mattie winked at him, grinning like a fool, and leaned back into the cushions. Her eyes never left him as he stared at the phone. After a few seconds, she spoke. "Do you need help dialing the number?" she asked, reaching for the phone again.

He shot her a withering glare, and she giggled. "Thanks, Mats, but I think I can handle it."

She flopped back onto the cushions. "Well, if you have trouble figuring it out, you know where I'll be."

Looking down at the phone, he thumbed the power button. Taking a deep breath, he punched the speed-dial for Mac's cell–she wasn't likely home from her date yet.

After five rings he was just about to hang up when a breathless voice answered. "Harm, what's wrong?"

"Uh...nothing. How did you know it was me?"

"Call display, Flyboy, get with the twenty-first century."

"Oh..." This was awkward as hell. "Why do you sound like you just finished a marathon?"

Mac laughed. "I was in bed, but my cell was on the coffee table in the living room, I almost didn't get to it. Why didn't you call my land-line?"

"Um...I didn't think you would be home from your date yet." He tried not to sound bitter. "So, I figured your cell was the best way to catch you."

"Clay, brought me home over an hour ago," she replied hesitantly.

Harm winced. "Oh...geez, Mac. I'm sorry; I shouldn't have called." The thought of her and Webb in bed together was enough to make him want to break something–preferably Clay's neck.

Mattie sensed his discomfort, and placed a reassuring hand on his arm.

"I'll leave you two alone, and call you tomorrow...or something." He hoped he didn't sound as flustered as he felt.

Mac sighed. "Clay's long since gone home, Harm. I was in bed because I've had a really long day."

He wondered why she felt the need to tell him that she and Webb were not in bed together. It wasn't like it was any of his business, but he was relieved beyond measure that they weren't. "Oh, okay, I can call you back tomorrow if you are too tired to talk now."

"Harm!" she said forcefully. "Spit it out. Tell me why you called."

Finding his courage suddenly flagging, Harm hesitated. He may have been able to land damaged aircraft on storm-tossed carrier decks, or face down armed terrorists without blinking an eye, but when it came to Sarah MacKenzie, he felt like a little boy who still needed a night-light to fall asleep. "Um...I, that is, Mattie and I were wondering if you wanted to come over tomorrow and spend Christmas with us?"

Now it was her turn to hesitate, and after a dozen seconds of silence passed between them, Harm decided to let her off the hook. "Look, Mac, I understand if you don't want to come. It's okay, really. I'm sorry I bothered you. I'll see you at work next week." He knew he was rambling, but it was the only way he could hide his pain–she didn't want to see him, just as he had suspected. "Goodnight, Mac. Sleep well."

"Harm, wait!" she blurted. "Please, don't hang up."

The raw pleading sound of her voice added fresh cuts to his heart. "I'm still here," he replied quietly, unwilling to let himself hope.

She exhaled audibly, her relief evident. "Harm, I would love to spend Christmas with you and Mattie..."

"But?" he prompted.

Mac sighed in resignation. "But I promised to spend the day with Clay tomorrow. He's taking me to have dinner with his mother at 1800."

Harm closed his eyes as the waves of defeat washed over him. His worst fears had come to pass–not that he had really expected anything different. "I understand, Mac. You have a better offer."

"Please, don't say that, Harm," she pleaded. "I really wish I could do both..." She paused for a moment, and then with a brighter voice said: "Hey, since we don't have to be at Clay's mother's until 1800, how about Clay and I stop over tomorrow morning? We could do lunch."

Harm frowned. He wanted to see Mac, but he wasn't sure he could handle seeing her with Webb.

"Harm?"

The soft, insistent sound of her voice over the phone made up his mind for him. If it meant he got to spend time with her, he would tolerate Webb. "Be here at 1100, okay?" He tried to sound happier than he felt–this was going to be a real challenge. "And bring your appetite."

"Great!" The glee in her voice made him smile despite his reservations. "I'll see ya then, Flyboy."

The line went dead, and Harm dropped the phone onto the coffee table.

"Well?" Mattie asked with barely suppressed anticipation.

"Better get up early tomorrow, Mats. We have company coming, and there's gonna be a lot of work to do if we want to be ready by the time Mac comes over for lunch."

"Yes!" Mattie sprung up off of the couch and wrapped her arms around his neck, giving him a quick hug. "This is so awesome; it'll be great, you'll see." She went over to the cot Harm had brought out for her to sleep on, and then turned to him. "You better get some sleep too, Harm. You don't want to be all groggy and grumpy when she gets here. Do you?"

She winked at him and crawled under the covers of her make-shift bed. Standing, Harm went over, turned out the lights, and adjusted the thermostat. Mac was coming to see him in the morning, and she was bringing Webb with her. Joy and despair were at war inside him, and he had no idea which emotion was going to win.


	2. Part Two

**PART TWO**

The next day dawned clear and cold, and to say that Harm was up at the crack of dawn would have been understating the truth. He had a lot of things to prepare before Mac and Webb showed up, and not just the food–that was the easy part. Seeing the two of them together as a couple was going to be a real test of his resolve. He didn't know whether he was going to be able to accept it, and hoped he could maintain his composure.

By the time Mattie woke a few hours later, Harm already had things well in hand. The food was cooking. He hadn't planned on spending Christmas with anyone, so he had no turkey, but on the way home from the Mall the night before, he had stopped off at an all-night grocer and picked up a ham. It wasn't something he would normally have bought, but he wanted so badly for Mattie to have as normal a Christmas as possible that he was willing to make the personal sacrifice for her sake.

Harm checked the sweet potatoes that he had roasting with the ham and closed the oven door as Mattie made her way slowly into the kitchen. "Hey," he said. "I thought when you said you didn't want me to be groggy in the morning that it applied to you, too?"

Mattie gave him a wicked stare and he burst out laughing. There really was nothing quite like a teenager. "It's too early," she groaned, reaching for the coffee pot.

"Good morning to you, too, sunshine," Harm said as he placed his oven mitts on the counter.

Mattie grunted a response and sat down next to the island sipping her coffee. Harm smiled and came over to sit beside her. Resting his elbows on the counter he reached for his own mug of coffee and took a quick sip. "You ready for today, Mats? Mac'll be here in less than an hour."

Mattie looked over at him, slowing sipping her coffee. "Ask me again after I'm awake," she said, rubbing the sleep from her eyes with the back of her hand.

Harm chuckled and took her hand in his, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Well, don't wait too long, okay? I was hoping you could at least be out of your pajamas by the time Mac gets here."

"Yeah, yeah, sailor boy, I'm going." she quipped, placing her now empty mug on the counter. Rising from her barstool she went to her bag in the corner, and rooted through it for a minute before coming up with an armful of fresh clothes. "I need a shower–badly."

"I thought you might," Harm replied, standing. "There are fresh towels by the sink, and a new toothbrush in the medicine cabinet." He looked at his watch. "You've got forty-five minutes before Mac gets here, so you better get a move on."

Mattie snapped a mock salute. "Yes, Sir!" she bellowed, and Harm nearly doubled over in laughter. He was going to love having her around. Maybe with luck she would fill some of the emptiness not having Mac in his life anymore left in his soul.

As Mattie disappeared into his bedroom, Harm made his way to the dining room table, and checked the settings for the third or fourth time. With everything on autopilot he was starting to feel apprehensive about seeing Mac and Webb together. He puttered around, trying to keep busy and distract his mind from the uncomfortable situation he knew was coming, but it was no use. All he could see was Webb kissing Mac in the hospital after they had returned from Paraguay; all he could hear was her voice from the night before: 'I have a date with Webb.'

By the time Mattie emerged from the bathroom–freshly dressed in dark blue jeans and a fluffy red sweater–Harm was busy rearranging the pillows on the couch and the flowers on the coffee-table.

She must have sensed his anxiety because she came over to him and wrapped him in a warm hug. "Relax, Harm. Everything's going to be fine. She wants to be here–with you. Just try to remember that."

"I know, Mats, but I just can't make myself believe it. We've spent so much time since I went back to JAG at each other's throats that I have forgotten how close we used to be. I'm not sure that we can ever get that back, no matter how much I want to. Everything changed between us after Paraguay. I can't tell you what happened, but I can tell you that I lost her there."

"Does that Webb guy have anything to do with that?"

Harm frowned, she was way too perceptive, and sometimes it was difficult to remember that she was just fifteen. "Yes, but I can't tell you about that, either."

"Why not?"

"It's classified, Mattie. It comes with the territory when you are in the military; sometimes you do things that you can't tell anyone about."

"Is that Webb guy in the military, too?"

Harm snorted derisively. "Hardly, Mats. He works at the State Department." It wasn't exactly the truth, but it was the lie that Webb had used for years, even long after everyone knew he was with the CIA. Harm figured it could explain enough about Webb without having to delve into the cloak-and-dagger world that was Webb's life. Besides, Webb was the last person he wanted to talk about at that moment. There would be enough awkwardness when he and Mac arrived to last a lifetime.

Before Mattie could speak again, they were both startled by a knock on the door. Harm glanced down at his watch: eleven hundred on the dot. _That's my, Marine._ Only, she wasn't his anymore, was she? And he doubted whether she ever would be.

Mattie smiled excitedly and shooed him towards the door. Harm paused and took a deep breath before he plastered a smile on his face and turned the knob, pulling open the door.

In the hall, Mac and Webb stood side-by-side. Webb had a huge grin on his face, and Harm couldn't help but notice his arm draped around her waist, his hand resting on her hip. "Hey, Rabb," he smirked hugging Mac closer. "I was pretty surprised when Mac told me you had invited us over for brunch today." He turned and kissed Mac on the cheek. "Well, I hope the food is good."

Mac looked at Harm with uncertainty as Webb led her into the room. Harm closed the door behind them, and made his way over to where Mattie was standing.

"And who's this?" Webb smirked. "A little young for a new girlfriend, isn't she, Rabb?"

"Clay!" Mac said, her face flushing in embarrassment.

"Oh, come on, Sarah, Rabb knows I was just kidding. Don't you, Rabb?"

Harm pushed down the growing ball of anger that was welling up inside him. He would control his temper today, for Mac's sake and Mattie's. He stepped up beside Mattie and put his arm around her shoulders. "This is Mattie, Clay. I'm her guardian."

"Guardian, holy crap, Rabb, when did you have time to adopt a kid?"

"Uh...I worked for her, after I left my... uh... last job." This was getting very uncomfortable. Harm hadn't really discussed what he had done before coming to work for her with Mattie, and he wasn't quite sure that he wanted her to know.

"Too bad about that, Rabb. You were a hell of a pilot, but getting your face plastered all over ZNN wasn't the best career move in your line of work. I had to let you go."

Mac turned in Webb's embrace. "You fired, Harm, Clay?" She asked incredulously.

Now it was Webb's turn to look uncomfortable, and if not for the hurt look on Mac's face–this was probably the first she had heard about Webb's involvement in his dismissal from the Company–Harm would have been happy watching the spook squirm.

Backpedalling quickly, Webb plastered a syrupy smile across his face. "It wasn't personal, Sarah, I had to let him go. We can't have agents whose faces are shown on the nightly news. You know that."

Mac didn't look very pleased to be told what she should or should not know. "That may be true, Clay," she said acidly, "but you still should have told me."

"I couldn't, Sarah. It was need-to-know."

"Wait just a minute," Mattie broke in. "What's all this 'need-to-know' crap? Harm, just what were you doing before you came to work for me?"

"What," Webb said, "Harm never told you about the time he spent working for the Company?"

Mattie turned to stare at Harm in shock. "'the Company' as in the CIA?"

Harm nodded. The cat was out of the bag now, so there was no use covering it up. He shot Webb a withering glare before he spoke. "Yes, Mats, I flew for the CIA for about five months before I came to fly for you. It was mostly just delivery missions–taking cargo from one place to another and dropping it off." It was a lot more than that, but there was no way he could tell her about the time that he flew the Aurora at Mach five. Even Mac didn't know about that, and since the plane didn't officially exist, there wasn't any way he could tell her, or anyone else about it.

Mattie waved her hand at Webb. "He said you were shown on the news and so he had to fire you; what happened?"

"Well I can't really tell you specifics, Mattie. Let's just say I was flying an Op out of North Africa and ran into some trouble. I had civilians on board, women and children. We were over the Med and didn't have enough fuel to reach land, so instead of ditching in the water, I kinda... well, landed a C130 on the deck of a carrier."

Mattie was no slouch when it came to aircraft knowledge; she knew exactly what a C130 was. "Holy cow, Harm! Is that even possible?"

"Well, it had never been done before, if that's what you're asking, but it was either that or all those people would have died. I couldn't let that happen."

Mattie turned her attention back to Webb. "He saved all these people and you fired him for it?" Mattie was in full on hero-worship mode, and even Webb took at step back as she stepped closer to him, pulling Mac back with him.

"Well, you see, he was seen by a film crew from ZNN that was doing a story on the carrier at the time. His face was shown all over the world. We couldn't have an operative that was known everywhere; it would risk not only his life, but those who worked with him as well."

The explanation sounded good, even to Harm's ears, but Mattie didn't by it. "So you just dumped him? Cut him adrift without anything?"

"Uh... well... we had to do it; it's the way the game works. Harm knew that going in."

It was amusing to see Mr. Super-spook knocked on his heels by a fifteen-year-old girl, but Harm wanted this day to be about him and Mattie and Mac, not about the past. "Mattie," he said forcefully. "Let it go. It all worked out for the best in the end. If I hadn't lost my job with the CIA I would have never met you, and would never have gone back to JAG." He turned to look Mac in the eyes. "And JAG is where I truly belong."

Mattie started to protest, but Harm pulled her into his arms to silence her. "Let it go," he whispered into her ear. "This is supposed to be a happy day."

Mattie hugged him back tightly. "Ok, but I can see why this Webb guys ticks you off."

"Hey, now, none of that." He released her and turned back to Mac and Webb. "I hope you two are hungry. It was a bit of a rush, but I think I managed to lay out a fairly decent spread for us."

"You know better than to ask if I'm hungry, Flyboy," Mac said, grinning.

Harm was warmed to hear the friendly banter from her. It was almost like nothing had changed between them, but when Webb pulled her close and plastered a sloppy kiss onto her lips, he was reminded again just how much things had changed.


	3. Part Three

**PART THREE**

The meal passed quite pleasantly–all things considered. Mac and Webb sat on one side of the table, Harm and Mattie on the other. Harm tried to include Webb in their conversations, more because he didn't want to upset Mac than because he wanted to talk to him. Mattie, on the other hand, didn't say more than a few sentences to him the whole meal. At least she wasn't openly hostile towards him, but she wasn't soon going to forgive him for what he had done to Harm.

Pushing her empty plate away, Mac leaned back in her chair. "That was great, Harm. I don't think I have ever had a better ham. Not bad coming from a man who regularly exists on nothing but twigs and bark." Her eyes danced in merriment. It was the Mac that Harm remembered, the Mac he loved. "So, what's for dessert?"

Harm's head snapped up. In all the chaos of preparing the meal, he had totally forgotten about dessert. "I... uh... forgot to fix something." He recovered quickly. "I could go down to the store down the street and get you some ice cream... Rocky Road?" He knew it was her favourite.

"Ooo, you really know how to derail a girl's diet, but you don't have to go out on my account."

"It's alright, really. It's no problem."

Mattie jumped in then. "Harm, how about Mac and I go and get it? Just us girls?" She was up to something, but Harm was quite sure what it was.

Harm wasn't sure that he wanted to spend time alone with Webb. He was sure he wouldn't hurt him, well, fairly certain anyway, but that didn't mean he had anything to talk to him about. He would just as soon they never spoke again. The look on Mattie's face, however, told him that she really wanted some time alone with Mac. Whether it was just for some casual girl-talk as she had indicated, or something more he couldn't tell, but if it would make her happy, he would go with it.

"Mac?" he asked hesitantly.

"I'd love to," she replied, getting to her feet. "As long as it's my treat?"

Harm nodded in agreement, trying to hide his smile. Just like old times.

Mattie shot up like a rocket and raced across the room to get their coats. "Great," she said on her return, handing Mac her coat. "We shouldn't be too long." They both shrugged into their winter wear, and Mattie took Mac's hand and herded her towards the door.

After the two girls had left, Harm turned to the dining room table and started to clean up. It was the only thing he could think of to do to kill time until Mac and Mattie returned that would keep him from having to speak to Webb, which was something that he really didn't want to do. He gathered their dishes and brought them over to the dishwasher.

"Need any help?" Webb asked from the other side of the room.

"No, thanks, I got it." Harm replied without even looking up from where he was bent over the open door of the dishwasher, stacking plates in the empty racks. He hoped that if he ignored him, Webb wouldn't talk to him.

It was not to be. "This was nice, Rabb." Webb said, seating himself on a barstool in front of the island in the kitchen. "Quite surprising really; I never expected to ever see you again. You haven't exactly gone out of your way to see me since you left the Company."

"Do you blame me? You were the person who had me fired." Harm said, shutting the dishwasher door with more force than was likely necessary. "Besides, Clay," he said contritely. "This day is about wanting to see Mac, not you."

"She's gone, Rabb, get over it." Webb said angrily. "You blew your chance with her, and I stepped in to pick up the pieces. The better man won."

Harm spun around to face the arrogant spook. "It was never a game, Clay. She isn't a prize. What the hell happened to you? You know how I feel about her. You were always someone I thought I could trust."

Webb stood and came over to stand in front of him. He would have been trying to stare any other man down, but he would have needed a footstool to do it to Harm, so he jammed a finger into his chest instead. "Oh, come off it, Rabb. We both know you were never going to get off your ass and tell her. I saw an opportunity, and I took it. It was something you were never going to do."

"Why the hell do you think I went to Paraguay in the first place, Webb?" Their voices were getting louder and louder with each sentence spoken, it was a good thing Harm didn't have any neighbours. "It wasn't to save your sorry ass, that's for damn sure. I went for her, Clay. It's always been about her." He took a step back and turned away. "When she went missing, I knew that I had to go find her, not just because I didn't want to see her die, but because if she had, a big part of me would have died with her."

Webb snorted derisively. "Then why didn't you tell her?" You were there, she was safe, and you clammed up like you always do. For God's sake, Rabb, you never even told her that you resigned. She wouldn't have even known if I hadn't asked."

"Thanks for that, Webb," he said icily. "I didn't know how to tell her. Besides, it didn't matter anymore. I was too late, again. She had already chosen you." He turned to face him. "The fact that I loved her..." He paused, surprised that he had admitted that out loud. Why was it so easy to admit that he loved Mac when she wasn't around, but all but impossible to do it when she was standing right in front of him? "...didn't matter anymore," he continued. "And now it doesn't matter how I feel at all."

Harm leaned against the counter. "I tried to tell her when she came to see me before she left, but I didn't say enough. I asked her not to go, I thought I was making my intentions clear, but she wanted more, and I couldn't give it to her."

"And why was that? Were you afraid that she would turn you down?"

Harm shook his head. "No, not really. I think she had been waiting for quite a while for me to move our relationship forward." He glanced up at Webb. "No, I think I was more afraid that she would agree to stay, and that I would fail to give her what she needed. I was afraid that because of my own issues I would hurt her again. And that's something I didn't want to do anymore; I've done it way too often the last few years."

Harm went silent, waiting for Webb to reply. He didn't expect Webb's sympathy–didn't want it–but what he said next was shocking even to Harm. The old Webb that Harm knew was gone, like he had never existed.

"Rabb," Webb said, chuckling. "You are one screwed up S.O.B. But hey, I guess I should thank you."

"For what?"

"Well, you're so messed up it gave me that chance that I needed. Your loss is my gain. You wouldn't or couldn't tell her how you feel, and because of that, she's mine now." A big goofy grin spread across his face, and he twisted the knife. "In fact, I guess you could say that you are the one who helped us get together. It's a bit strange to be set up by a man who loves the woman you are with, but I won't complain." His tone grew serious. "Just as long as you remember that we are together, and that she's mine, not yours."

Harm shook his head in amazement. This was a side of Webb he had never seen before. "Don't worry, Clay, that's something that I can never, ever forget."

"Good," Webb said smugly, "and on that note, I want you to do something for me."

"Do something for you? Don't you think I've helped you enough already?"

"Maybe," Webb said, stepping up beside him to jab a finger into his chest again. "But your relationship with, Sarah, has always caused problems in the past. I saw how it destroyed her engagement to that Aussie fellow, Brumby, and I won't let that happen to me. I won't let you come between us like you did them."

"And just what do you want me to do then?"

"Stay away from her. I figured that when I had you dumped from the Company, it would get you out of D.C. and out of her life for good. Imagine my surprise when the Admiral decided to take you back. The old guy really is full of surprises."

Harm's anger was on a full rolling boil now, but before he could speak, Webb continued.

"No matter, I've worked very hard to convince her that I can give her everything that you can't, and I won't risk you screwing that up." He stepped back, a self-satisfied smirk on his face. "Stop calling her outside of work, stop inviting her over for 'family day' with your newest lost cause. Just stay away from her."

Harm was pissed, very pissed, and wanted to do nothing more than shove Webb's teeth down his throat with his fist, but he knew that he couldn't; it would hurt Mac, and that was something that over-rode all other feelings he might have had. And if he broke the insolent little spook in half like he wanted to, he wouldn't be around for Mattie, either, and she was his responsibility now. That didn't mean he was going to let Webb bully him.

"Look," Harm said, his voice dripping with disdain for the man who used to be his friend, "I know how badly my actions have hurt Mac in the past. I have to live with it every day, and I will do everything in my power to see that it never happens again." Webb tried to speak, but Harm cut him off. "Shut up, Clay, it's my turn to talk." Webb took a step back, and Harm went on. "Don't think for a second that I'm going to let you dictate Mac's and my relationship. Mac is my best friend, and I love her. I love her enough NOT to interfere in her life, but don't think that means I will let you remove her from my life just because you don't want me around. If she doesn't want to see me or be my friend anymore, that's HER choice, not yours, and it would be something that I would have to learn to live with. But I will never, ever, abandon her friendship. She is the best thing that ever happened to me, and if all I can ever have is her friendship, I'll take it. I don't know who you are anymore, Clay. You sure aren't that man I have known for the last seven years."

Webb sat down on the barstool again. "I woke up, Rabb," he said acidly. "I got tired of watch you screw up her life. I saw what I wanted, and when the chance came, I took it."

A thought came to Harm then. "Why did you ask Mac to go with you to Paraguay? Kershaw told me the Op was unsanctioned by the Company."

"Don't you get it, Rabb? After the Angelshark incident, the Company stuck me in the armpit of the world; my career was over, finished. When the Intel about Sadiq came across my desk, I knew it was my chance for redemption–my chance to get back into Kershaw's good books, and get back to D.C."

"But why bring, Mac?"

"Haven't you been listening? I WANTED her, Rabb. I have for years, but the two of you always came as a set." Webb slammed his fist down on the counter top in frustration. "It was like the two of you were joined at the hip, but not this time. You were still not back to full duty after the Singer fiasco. It was my chance to get Mac alone, to tell her how much I wanted her without having you around to distract her.

"I'm not stupid," Webb continued. "I knew that I could never measure up to you in her eyes. I had to get her away from you first, so that I could tell her how much I wanted her without your spectre hanging over my head."

Harm digested this before he spoke. "You've said you wanted her several times, but do you love her?"

"I want her, she wants me. If that isn't love, I don't know what is."

Harm couldn't believe what he was hearing; Webb actually believed that wanting someone was the same as loving them. "You really don't have a clue, do you, Webb? You think that because you want to be with her that you love her. You have no idea what real love is."

"Oh, and you do, Mister I-can't-tell-her-how-I-feel?"

"I may not be able to admit how I feel to her, but I damn well know what it means to love her."

"Grace me with your infinite wisdom, Oh Knowledgeable One." Webb replied sarcastically.

"Loving someone is simple, Webb. Wanting them has nothing to do with it. Love is about wanting what is best for someone, about sharing yourself, and your life with another person, about being happy because they are happy, and being sad when they are sad. It's about two people sharing one soul. You, on the other hand, are so focussed on what you want, you don't even stop to look so that you can find out what Mac needs."

"Get off your high-horse, Rabb. I knew enough about her to tell her what she wanted to hear when she wanted to hear it. That's something that you have never been able to do."

"Your right, Clay," Harm said sadly. "I never could tell her how I felt about her. Never could tell her how much she means to me, and that's my fault. I'm the one who couldn't let her in, even though I wanted to. But at least I know who she is, what she truly needs. You don't even know her. You are clueless, and I can't understand how you two ever managed to get together."

"How we did it doesn't matter," Webb said smugly. "What matters is that we are together, and she is happy with me, not you."

Despite Webb's twisted logic, he was right; Mac did seem to be happy. And that happiness had to be his first concern, regardless of how he felt about Webb. "She does look happy," Harm admitted reluctantly. A huge smile of victory spread across Webb's face, "and that happiness is my first priority." his voice dropped in warning. "But remember this: if you hurt her, after she's through with you, you'll answer to me."

That wiped the smirk off Webb's face. "Don't threaten me, Rabb. I won. She loves me, and wants to be with me. You lost, and the sooner you accept your defeat, the easier things will be for all of us. She's mine, and nothing you can say or do will ever change that."

"What about what I say?" It was Mac's voice.

Both men turned to stare at Mac and Mattie standing in the open doorway.


	4. Part Four

**PART FOUR**

Webb was the first to move, going over to where Mac was standing with the doorknob still in her hand. "Sarah," he said smoothly, slipping easily into his suave, super-spook persona. "That didn't take long."

"Don't try to change the subject, Clay; I heard what you two said," she glanced over at Harm. "All of it."

"But, how?" Webb replied in confusion. "We didn't talk that long."

She held up empty hands. "I forgot my purse; we never even got out of the building."

Harm groaned silently. He hadn't wanted to talk to Webb. The conversation has just started and after they'd gotten going the whole thing had taken on a life of it's own. Mattie left Mac's side, coming over to stand next to him, wrapping her arm around his waist in support. He glanced down at her and she gave him an encouraging smile. At least someone in the room was on his side.

"I think it's time for us to go, Sarah," Webb said, retrieving his coat. He moved over to her, extending his hand. "Come on."

Mac looked at his proffered hand, and then back at Harm.

"Sarah," his voice held warning. "We don't want to keep Mother waiting."

"I'm not leaving."

Webb looked stunned. "Why, because Rabb finally told you want you've wanted to hear after all these years?"

"No, Clay, because you finally showed me who you really are."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

She turned away from him, and Harm had to resist the urge to go to her. "You used me, Clay. You manipulated me and the situation to get what you wanted." She turned back to him. "You used me, and that's something I don't think I can forgive you for."

"What, so now that Rabb's admitted his feelings all we had doesn't matter anymore? Sarah, I want you, and I think you want me, too."

"That's not enough for me. I need more."

"Then tell me what you want, and I will get it for you. Just don't throw away everything that we have built together."

"What have we built? You are never here when I need you, and you can't tell me where you go, or when you'll be coming back. I can't live like that anymore."

"You knew that was the way it was going to be going into this, Sarah. It's my job."

"And your job is always more important to you than me. I thought things had changed when we came back from Paraguay, but the minute you went back to active duty, I became secondary to you."

Webb sighed in frustration. "Sarah, I can't drop everything just because you need to talk to me. You of all people should understand what government service entails."

"I know what it means, Clay. God, do I ever. But you just vanish at the drop of a hat, without a word or an explanation. How am I supposed to have a relationship with you when you won't let me in at all?"

"Like he ever did?" Webb growled, pointing at Harm.

"Leave, Harm, out of this; this is about you and me."

"I wish I could, but he's always around, sticking his nose into everything. Damn it, Sarah. We can't turn around without bumping into him half the time. You're with me now, why do I always have to compete with him for your affection?"

"Careful, Webb," Harm warned.

"No, you had your say, now it's my turn." He stepped close to Mac. "Sarah, is mine, we were happy, and once we get past this we will be happy again. You stay out of her life. Quit trying to destroy what we have."

Mac stared at him like he had grown two heads. "Is that how you really see me? As your property?"

"That's not what I meant, Sarah. He just makes me so angry with all his holier-than-thou attitude."

"I think it's time to leave," she said quietly.

"Finally," Webb replied. "Let's go, Sarah." He took her hand, but she pulled away from him

"No, Clay, just you."

Webb stepped back as if struck. "You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do." She looked up at him, tears streaming down her face. "You don't love me–you want me, sure, but you don't love me–I don't think you ever did. I don't think you even know how."

His face darkened in rage. "Oh, I get it. Now that Rabb's told you he wants you, you're dropping me for him. Was that all I was to you? A distraction until Rabb was ready for you?"

"Please, Clay," she said sobbing. "Don't make this anymore difficult than it already is."

Webb grabbed her arm, pulling her towards him. "This isn't over; you're mine now, and I am not going to give you up," he looked at Harm. "Not because of him."

Harm looked down at Mattie. "Go into the bedroom," he said. She nodded, letting go of him and disappeared into the other room. When she was gone, Harm turned his attention back to Webb. "Let her go, Clay. Now!"

"Oh, look everyone, it's Harmon Rabb, here to save the day again," Webb said with a sneer. "The white knight has returned."

"You don't want to do this, Webb; let her go and leave."

"Or you'll do what? Kill me?"

"Don't say I didn't warn you."

Webb laughed, and stepped towards the door, pulling Mac with him. He had taken one step when Mac went to work. Webb's legs shot out from under him as Mac pulled him towards her and tossed him over her hip. He hit the floor with a thud and a grunt of expelled air. She shook off his hand from where it was still holding her coat-sleeve and stepped away.

"Never mess with a Marine," Mac said.

Harm came over to stand above him, a silly smile on his face. "I wasn't trying to protect you from me," he glanced over at Mac, chuckling. "I was trying to save you from her." He reached down and yanked the dazed spook to his feet. Throwing the man's coat over his shoulders, he shoved him towards the open door. "Do what the lady said, Webb. Go away and leave her alone."

Webb nodded groggily as Harm gave him a shove out the door, closing it quickly behind him. He turned to face Mac, who was staring at the floor, "Are you, Okay?" Harm asked tentatively. He wanted to take her into his arms, but he knew that now was not the time.

She nodded. "Yeah." Taking a deep breath she raised her head to look at him. "I can't believe how stupid I was."

"It wasn't your fault, Mac," Harm said taking a step towards her. "If anything, it was mine."

She gave him a quizzical look. "Why would you say that?"

He shrugged. "Well, if I hadn't opened my big mouth, none of this would have happened."

"That's true," she agreed. "But if you hadn't said anything, I would still be living a lie."

"I'm sorry," he said. "I wish there was more that I could do."

Mattie's head peeked around the frosted glass wall that divided his bedroom from the living room. "Is it safe to come out?"

Harm smiled at her. "Yeah, Mats, everything's fine."

Mattie came down the stairs, going over to Mac. "Are you alright?" she asked. "Can I get you something; coffee, water?"

Mac shook her head. "No, thanks, Mattie. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?" She pointed at the bedroom. "Do you want me to disappear–you know–so you two can talk?"

Mac smiled. "No, we can talk later."

"Are you sure, it's no trouble, really."

She nodded. "Yes, I'm sure. This is your day with, Harm," she turned to give him a small smile. "I don't want to intrude; I think I'll just go home."

"No!" Both Harm and Mattie shouted as one.

"Please, Mac," Mattie said. "Stay. I want you to stay."

"How about you, Harm?" Mac questioned.

"I never wanted you to leave when you were here this spring. Nothing's changed." He treated her to his best Flyboy grin.

He could have sworn that Mac blushed, but Marines didn't blush, just like they didn't duck, either. "If that's what you both want?"

"It is," Mattie said enthusiastically. "Please?"

Mac grinned, nodding her head. "Okay."

Harm sighed in relief as Mattie helped Mac with her coat. His ward hung the garment on the hook by the door and then grabbed both their hands, leading them over to the living room. Pulling them to a stop by the couch, she turned. "You two sit down, I'll go down to the store and get that ice cream."

"Mattie," Harm warned.

"What? We still need dessert. I'll just be a few minutes,. It's no trouble, really."

"Do you want me to go with you?" Mac asked.

"No, no, you stay here, I can manage." She turned towards the door and then stopped. "Harm, do you have any money? I don't have any on me."

Mac laughed, and Harm rolled his eyes. Like he'd said, it was going to be interesting to have her living here. "Sure, Mats, my wallet is on the night stand in my bedroom."

"Cool," Mattie said, vanishing into the bedroom. She returned a few seconds later with a twenty dollar bill in her hand. "How long do you think I should take?" Harm closed his eyes and shook his head. She was going to give him and Mac time alone regardless of what they said.

He looked at Mac. "Twenty minutes?"

She nodded. "That should be enough to start with, though I think we have a lot more talking ahead of us."

Harm nodded. "Yeah, no doubt, Marine." He turned to Mattie. "Be back in twenty minutes, and don't hang out around front trying to give us more time; I'll just come looking for you if you're late."

Mattie rolled her eyes. "Yes, Dad," she said sarcastically, and all three of them laughed.


	5. Part Five

**PART FIVE**

Harm watched the door close behind Mattie, and then turned to look at Mac. Sensing that she wasn't going to go first, Harm dove in. "I'm sorry, Mac."

"For what? I told you, it wasn't your fault."

"Not for that," he said, running his fingers through his hair. "For waiting so long to say something, and then not saying it to you the way I should have."

She nodded, turning to look at him. "That's, okay, Harm. I haven't exactly been an easy person to talk to lately."

"That's no excuse for me avoiding the issue," he countered.

"Maybe not," she agreed, "but I can understand why you were hesitant. I've been sending you the wrong signals for quite a while now; you must have thought I hated you."

"Well, I did wonder there for a while."

"I'm sorry."

"It's, okay, Mac," Harm said, taking her hand tentatively in his. When she didn't pull away, he went on. "I understand, you were in love."

She shook her head. "That's just it," she replied turning to stare into his eyes. "I wasn't in love with Clay. Not really."

Harm was confused. "If it wasn't love, why were you with him?"

Mac looked away. "I don't know. I guess it was to forget about everything that I saw in Paraguay. Everything that I had done..." She squeezed his hand. "Everything I had said."

Those few seconds near the taxi-stand in Paraguay, where Mac had told him 'never', and his life had changed forever, flashed across Harm's consciousness. "You had every right to say what you did; I was a fool."

Mac looked at him. "I think we both were, Harm. I said things I wish I could take back, and I think you did, too."

Harm nodded. "That's for sure." He placed his other hand on top of their joined ones where they rested on his thigh. "What were some of the things you would have taken back?"

She sighed. "How about 'never' for starters."

"You sounded pretty convincing, like you meant it."

"I did," she continued. 'At least, I did at the time, but I don't think I meant it like you think I did."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I think I said it out of frustration, not so much because I didn't want you anymore. I did, but because I was convinced there was no chance to ever make it work. I thought we were finally at the end and that I had to do what was necessary to move on. Boy, was I in for a shock."

"Why's that?" Harm was content to let her say what she wanted to without adding his own thoughts; there would be time for that when she was finished.

She looked him in the eyes, an agonized expression plastered across her face. "Because when we got back to the States, and the Admiral cut you loose, I felt like someone had cut off a vital part of my body. I wasn't ready to move on. I didn't understand what had happened. I guess, deep down, I had been sure AJ would let you come back, and we would fix what was broken between us the way we always seem to do.

I was in a daze, and when you took me to see Clay in the hospital, and he kissed me, and then I found you gone... well, I started to think that just maybe I was right to say what I did in Paraguay."

"What made you change your mind?"

She laughed. It was a hollow, empty sound. "I don't know if I should tell you; your ego is big enough already."

Harm grunted. "Well, my ego has been beaten down pretty well lately, Mac. I don't think you have much to worry about there anymore."

Mac smiled sadly. "And that's my fault, too," she said. "If I had just stayed when you asked me, none of this would have ever happened."

"You had agreed to go, it was your duty, and I don't think I truly believed that you would stay just because I had asked you. I just hoped that by asking I would show you how much I cared for you." Harm leaned into the cushions. "I guess I screwed that up, didn't I?"

"I don't think I was listening very well that night. I was still angry at you for shutting me out of your investigation into who was the father of Singer's baby. I think I knew what you were saying, but I just couldn't accept it then, and by the time you showed up to save my life, it was too late. Things had already gone too far."

Harm glanced over at her and smiled. "We make quite a pair, don't we?"

She giggled. It was almost a happy sound. "Yeah, I suppose we do."

"You still didn't tell me why you changed your mind about wanting to move on without me?" he asked quietly. They had to work this out now, or there would be no moving forward for them.

Her smiled faded. "I thought that when I started my relationship with Clay that everything was going to be fine, that I was going to move on without you and finally find happiness. But the longer we went on together, the more I realised that it wasn't going to work out that way. I wasn't happy, not really, even though I tried to show the rest of the world that I was."

"Why weren't you happy, Mac?"

She turned to him, as tears began to stream down her cheeks. "Because he wasn't you," she sobbed. "No matter what he said or did, he would never be you, and it was you that I wanted, you that I needed, but you were gone. You'd been cut from my life by my own hand, and I was dead inside." Mac managed to continue, vainly wiping at her tears.

Harm's heart broke to see her like this. He turned on the couch. Taking her by the arms, he brought her to him, wrapping his arms around her to cocoon her against his chest. She went willingly as gut-wrenching sobs wracked her body. He just held her, letting her cry, rubbing gentle circles across her back with the palm of his hand.

After several minutes, her sobbing eased and she relaxed against his chest, hugging him tightly. "I missed you so much," she said is a small voice. "I never knew how much I needed you until you were gone."

Harm felt his throat tighten. What had he done to this woman? He loved her so much that it was physically painful not to be near her, and yet he had pushed her away the moment things hadn't gone the way he wanted. "I'm so sorry, Mac. For everything that I've done to you, for not telling you that I loved you, for not trying harder to make things work out." He took a deep breath. "I was just so angry at you, and Webb. I had risked my life, and given up my career to save you, and the first thing I saw you do was kiss another man.

"I was jealous. You have no idea how much, and instead of using my head to try to work things out, I lashed out and hurt you. I don't know if I will ever forgive myself for that."

She looked up, shaking her head. "Don't do that, Harm; don't try to make this all your fault, because it's not. I didn't try either, and we both did, and said things we shouldn't have."

"Maybe, but I still feel responsible. You were right about me in that sense, Mac. I do like to be in control, but you were wrong about me, too; with you it was never about one of us having dominion over the other. All I ever wanted was for us to be partners, not just at JAG, but in life."

She fell back against his chest, snaking her arms around his back. "I am sorry for that too, Harm. I don't think I really believed that about you when I said that 'both of us want to be on top', but I was so angry at you for pushing me away again, and you know me, when I'm hurt, I lash out." She snuggled in closer. "And it's usually you who takes the brunt of my anger."

Harm chuckled. "Yeah, but I deserve it most times," he admitted. He pushed her away a little so he could gaze into her eyes. "I'll make you a deal. I promise to try my best not to push you away anymore, if you promise not to bite my head off if I stumble a few times doing it. Deal?"

Mac smiled, and this one actually reached her eyes. "I think I can do that," she replied. She put her head back against his chest. "Does this mean we're okay?"

Harm kissed the top of her head. "It's a start anyway. We can't erase all that has happened these last six months after just a few minutes, but if you are willing to try, then so am I."

"Harm, I have never wanted anything more in my life." She looked up at him, their eyes meeting. Slowly he lowered his head towards her. She moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue and closed the distance between them. When their lips met it was like the whole universe shifted and realigned itself. What was out of sync fell back into its proper place, and a great weight was lifted off Harm's soul. He explored her mouth gently, as she did his, savouring the taste of her. Their tongues entangled, gently probing and tasting until the need to breathe finally forced them apart.

Harm gazed down lovingly into the two languid pools that were her eyes. She smiled at him and tucked her head into the hollow below his chin. He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close.

"Holy, cow," Mattie yelped from the doorway. Harm and Mac both turned to look at her from their place on the couch, but didn't release one another. She was carrying a plastic bag in one hand and the keys to Harm's apartment in the other. "When you two make up, you really make up."

Harm grinned and looked down at Mac. "Yeah, well I hope this is the last time we ever have to make up," he said, dropping a kiss onto her hair.

Mac smiled. "I hope you're right, Squid, but don't think that means I won't be kissing you again."

"I was hoping you would say something like that," he replied, running the palm of his hand down over Mac's leg and then back up to trail his fingers across her hip. "I hope I won't have to wait too long?"

"I doubt it," Mac breathed, kissing the corner of his mouth as she ran her fingers through his hair.

"God, you two, get a room," Mattie laughed.

Harm smiled and got up, pulling Mac off the couch with him. Taking her hand, he led her towards the island in the kitchen. "I think I'm going to need to get a door for the bedroom," he said mischievously. Mac defiantly blushed this time.

"This is going to scar me forever, you realize that, don't you?" Mattie said, as she dropped the bag on the counter and removed her coat.

"What?" Harm grinned. "Can't a guy show the woman he loves just how much he cares about her?"

Mac stepped away from him and took both of his hands in her own. "I love you, too, you know?"

"I know." Harm leaned in and kissed her quickly. It was a promise of things to come. "Now," he said after they parted, "how about we have some of that ice cream?"

Mac and Mattie both laughed as Harm picked up the tub of Rocky Road from the counter. All-in-all, the day had turned out to be a Merry Christmas after all.


End file.
